Inner sphere

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Resolving interpersonal conflicts

Veron was your good friend since your junior college years. Both of you could share everything under the sun. When Veron and you were admitted into different local universities, both of you had less time for each other as both of you were trying to adapt to a new social setting. However, Veron and you tried to meet up regularly during holidays.

During the second year in university, Veron found a boyfriend and you felt happy for her. However, when you tried to initiate a few meet up with Veron during holidays, she was unable to make it. The reasons she gave were that either she had a date with her boyfriend or had a gathering with her university course mates. You felt depressed and neglected but you tried to convince yourself that Veron and her boyfriend had just gotten together and need their private space. You decided to passively wait for Veron to take the initiative to ask you out in the future instead. Gradually, Veron and you began having less contact and you felt that both of you were drifting apart. Yet, neither of you made any moves to salvage the friendship.

During the third year of university, Veron broke up with her boyfriend. She initiated a few meet up with you but you were busy with attachments and school work and thus were unable to make it. Veron was very upset that you did not have time for her when she needed a good friend by her side as she tried to recover from an emotional breakup with her boyfriend. She started to give you cold shoulder since then.

What could be done to salvage your friendship with Veron?

posted by Xin Wei at 10:08 PM

5 Comments:

  • Hi Xin Wei,

    I would think the problem with this conflict would be due to circumstances rather than intent. What I meant is that both of you did not intend for this friendship to drift apart, but mainly due to circumstancial reasons such as boyfriend committments or schoolwork. As such, personally I feel that this friendship can be salvaged only if you are willing to put effort to salvage it.
    From reading your post, I could tell that this friendship means a lot to you and if it does, it will probably be worth putting effort into. I would suggest dropping veron a message to arrange a meeting to clear the air. If she does not respond, you might want to engage the help of a mutual friend.

    During the meeting, you might want to start off by apologising that you were unable to be by her side when she needed you. Let her know that you treasure the friendship and how you felt neglected when she was with her boyfriend. Bring to her attention that you understood that she had her reasons and that she and her boyfriend needed their private space. On the other hand, she too need to understand that you had your reasons as well. I feel that only by agreeing that no party was at fault on both counts, then you can start rebuilding the friendship.

    I would like to encourage you to make the effort to salvage the relationship if it is important to you or you will regret as I did. I had a similar problem as you had before but it was a little more complicated. To my regret, I did nothing to salvage the friendship, therefore now I can only live with the regret of not doing what I can when I had the opportunity. I sincerely hope you mend the damaged bidge before it breaks.

    Zhengyang.

    By Blogger zhengyang, At September 1, 2009 at 11:45 PM  

  • Hi Xin Wei,

    I second to what Zhengyang said on the issue of circumstances vs intent.

    It is regrettable that the friendship is hitting a standstill considering the history you have with her ever since JC.

    A way to salvage this friendship is by taking the first step and welcoming her back with open arms. You maybe busy with attachment and school work but simple actions like "I hope you're doing well!" smses/emails everyday do help a little. Tell her that you're sorry for not being able to make it for meet-ups she initiatied. From there, initiate meet-ups with her and inform her that you sincerely would like to see her when time permits. Little things like sending sweet smses and initiating meet-ups should soften up her heart a little and make the friendship less shaky (especially after the cold shoulder treatment).
    It truly takes two hands to clap and if sincerity and effort are put in from your side to salvage the friendship, i'm sure Veron would do the same too.

    I have to commend that you've been a really good friend considering the fact that you show empathy and think about the well-being of Veron when she's in a relationship by giving her private space. It's ok to be drifted apart as long as there's a strong connection there. As there's a saying goes, "No lapse of time or distance of place can lessen the friendship of those who are truly persuaded of each other's worth".

    Cheers,
    Ariff

    By Blogger Ariff Andraz, At September 2, 2009 at 11:46 AM  

  • Dear Xin Wei,

    I think the problem in this scenario lies with the different expectations of Veron and me. Because of the different commitments we have at the same point in time, conflicts are inevitable when we do not behave the way we expect of each other. It will then be up to the effort of both parties to resolve the conflict.

    If I really treasure my friendship with Veron, I should make an effort to show my concern for her no matter how busy I am. I would call and initiate a meet-up with her to apologize for not being there when she needed me. If she does not answer my call, I would send her a text message or an email. The most important thing is to show her my sincerity and how much I treasure and desire to keep our friendship. I should take time off my busy schedule to meet her regularly and it is feasible as long as I manage my time well. Even if we cannot find a common time to meet, we could still keep in close contact with each other by talking on the phone or sending messages.

    Chai Yee

    By Blogger Chai Yee, At September 3, 2009 at 2:52 AM  

  • Dear Xin Wei,

    to salvage the friendship, me and veron have to put in the effor to meet up and clear up things. A phone call could be a starter.

    Misunderstandings happen because we assume that the other party realises what we are going through and or what we are feeling.

    Most of the time, avoiding the assumptions, and expressing directly might help to overcome conflicts.

    In our case here, Veron and me both should realise the time constrains that we have in maintaining the problem, especially when we are in two different universities. Ofcourse, with less time spent, the friendship will slowly start to decline. This is where, the quality of time spend speaks more than the quantity.

    Also,with so much of interconnectedness, with internet, email, msn, facebook, there is alot of chance to really keep in touch with Veron. So the question here is, who is going to take the first step.

    Veron might have a misunderstanding that,i might 'be taking revenge' for the times in which she couldn't make it during the second year. It is very important to make her realise that i am really there for her and am just unable to meet up with her due to school and intentionship work.

    As ariff and zhengyang has pointed out, the problem is very based on circumstances and not intent. There is a saying in tamil that says ' you must pull out the weed as early as possible' (meaning to solve a problem with out any delay).Likewise in this relationship, if nothing is done now, it will grow to be a big issue and both will have to go through unnecessary hardship and emotional turma.

    I strongly agree with ariff that, no lapse of time nor distance can put a fullstop to friendship.

    cheers
    alagu

    By Anonymous Anonymous, At September 5, 2009 at 5:23 PM  

  • First of all, I would like to thank all of you who have responded to this post. The invaluable insights and advice you all have given me enable me to look at this incident from different perspectives which I had failed to do so.

    Ariff and Zheng Yang are quick to point out the nature of this interpersonal conflict is not intentional but rather, circumstantial. Chai Yee added that varying expectations between me and Veron had led to this problem. Alahappan suggested that Veron and I probably made too many assumptions that we know each other needs very well since we are good friends since junior college years. Knowing the cause of this conflict is very important as it would help me to “know myself” in the process and additionally, help me solve the problem from the root if possible.

    From the suggestions given by all of you, I do realize that at different points in time, I failed to “choose myself” accordingly which contributed to this conflict indirectly. For instance, while I tried to manage my feelings by putting myself in Veron and her boyfriend’s shoes, I failed to do anything to salvage this friendship although I could sense Veron and I were drifting apart. Instead, I choose to be passive. In addition, when Veron broke up, I should not have told her bluntly that I am busy with my school work and hence, would not be able to meet her. As Alahappan suggested, I could have given Veron the wrong idea that I was taking revenge on her for the times she turned me down and met up with her boyfriend and university friends then.

    To “give myself”, I should have shown more empathy to Veron especially she is trying to heal her broken heart. Rather than to turn her down bluntly when she initiated to meet up, I should try to show my care and concern for her by finding time out to chat with her on the phone or send her messages to cheer her up. In addition, I should apologise for making such arrangements when she needed me most and thank her for bearing with this. I would also promise her that I would meet up with her once I am done with my work.

    What’s done cannot be undone. Since the misunderstanding has arised, I can only work on salvaging this friendship and I would seriously consider the suggestions all of you gave. Hopefully, I would be able to regain Veron’s trust and confidence in me and clear up all the misunderstandings.

    Regards,
    Xin Wei

    By Blogger Xin Wei, At September 6, 2009 at 1:48 AM  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]



<< Home